Friday, August 21, 2020

Meet the Familiars: Hermes


Name: Hermes
Nicknames: 'Ermy, Noisebox, Asscat.
Species: Cat
Breed: Domestic Shorthair (has to have some big cat in him - he's bigger than our Maine Coon mix)
Age: 9

Adoption Date: 11/10/11
Adoption Location: Mailroom of our apartment complex.
Reason for Name: Found in the mailroom, very talkative.

Pact Date: 12/10/11
Astral Voice Qualities: Piercing, loud, and fairly high pitch.
Element: Air
Favorite Witchcraft Activities: Reading, spirit talk, divination.
Five Key Qualities: Smart, talkative, mischevious.


The following interview has been edited for clarity.

What was your story before you were picked up by The Witch?
I ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF MY LITTERMATES.  WHEN ALL OF MY SIBLINGS WERE ADOPTED, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE JUST ME AND MY SISTER AND MY OWNER.  BUT MY "OWNER" DECIDED NOT.  MY SISTER AND I WERE DUMPED IN THE MAIL ROOM OF AN APARTMENT COMPLEX.  WE WERE LOCKED IN THERE AND PEOPLE WOULD PET US BUT NO ONE WANTED TO TAKE US HOME.  EVERYONE IS AN ASSHOLE.

How did The Witch find you?
THE WITCH CAME TO CHECK THE MAIL WITH ARTEMIS AND FOUND US.  SHE CARRIED MY SISTER AND I FOLLOWED BY FOOT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT.  SHE RECOGNIZED THAT MY SISTER WAS NOT FAMILIAR.
I EVEN CAME TO HER WITH AN H ON MY HEAD SO SHE WOULD KNOW WHAT TO CALL ME.  ONCE SHE FIGURED THAT OUT, THE H WENT AWAY.

When did you take up the mantle of domestic familiar? Why?
I WAS BORN INTUITIVE.  I WAS BORN INTELLIGENT.  I WAS BORN TO BE A FAMILIAR.  I NEEDED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO COULD HEAR ME AND THAT WAS THE WITCH.  AND SO I BECAME THE WITCH'S FAMILIAR.

What's your favorite witchy thing to do?
AGAIN, I AM VERY SMART.  WHEN THE WITCH WANTED TO EAT LUNCH FIRST BEFORE DOING A RITUAL, I INSISTED SHE DO THE RITUAL FIRST. I KNEW BETTER.  I ALSO KEEP THE WITCH ON TRACK. I SHOVE BOOKS AND TOOLS AT HER, AND INSIST SHE WORK EVEN WHEN SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO STOP BEING A WITCH. GET TO IT.  CHOP F*CKING CHOP.

What's the strangest request your witch has given you?
"STOP CLIMBING THE TV."  SHE SAID SHE'D GET ME A CAT TREE FOR YULE. THE YULE TREE WENT UP. THE YULE TREE WENT DOWN. THE CAT TREE NEVER CAME. SO WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO CLIMB?  YOU TELL ME.  THE WALL MOUNTED FLAT SCREEN WAS THE TALLEST THING.  IT GOT HER ATTENTION.  THE CAT TREE THEN CAME.  I WON.

What's your favorite sabbat or esbat?
SABBATS ARE WHATEVER. LET'S HEX A B*TCH.


Is it frustrating to be around non-magical humans who can’t “hear” you the way The Witch does?
OH THEY HEAR ME. THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. AND IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, I HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM UNDERSTAND.  THE WITCH SAYS I AM MANIPULATIVE. ISN'T ALL MAGIC MANIPULATIVE?  AND I AM MOST DEFINITELY MAGIC.  AND ALSO CLAWS.

What is living in a multi-species household like?
I ALWAYS THINK I'M GOING TO HATE THE NEW ADDITION.  SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T WORK OUT. IT HELPS THAT THEY ARE ALSO FAMILIARS. WELL, MOST OF THEM.  IT ALSO HELPS THAT NONE OF THEM ARE AS SMART AS I AM, SO I CAN RULE OVER THEIR PUNY BRAINS.  BESIDES.  I MUCH LIKE ZEUS.  HE IS MY MATE.  HE IS CHUNKY AND CUDDLY AND STUPID AND I LOVE HIM.   JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE THAT.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS GOING ONLINE?


As a familiar, what is it like to be around animals who aren't familiars?
THE BIRD IS VERY LOUD.  AND SCARY.  AND STUPID. AND I REALLY CANNOT STAND IT.  I HAVE ASKED THE WITCH TO GET RID OF IT BUT SHE SAYS NO.  I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING BUT SINCE WHEN HAVE I CARED ABOUT THAT.

What is your favorite non-witchy thing to do?
WHAT SHOULD I NOT BE DOING?  THEN PROBABLY THAT.

If you could pick a different type of animal to be, what would it be and why?
CAT BODY IS BEST BODY.  I AM BEAUTIFUL.  I AM SLEEK.  I AM CUTE.  IT IS MISLEADING AND MISLEADING IS... USEFUL.

Where is your favorite place to nap?
IN THE WITCH'S OFFICE CHAIR. THE MINUTE SHE GETS UP. EVEN IF SHE'S COMING BACK. MY CHAIR NOW.


Other Familiars

6 comments:

  1. This is the best thing I've read in AGES!! Absolutely freaking brilliant!!
    Suzy Turner

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  2. The way I snorted while laughing. The amount of sass 😂. This is everything! I'm gonna explore your entire blog, I'm glad I found a witchy blog that is still active 😊

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  3. I need to get 'JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO STOP BEING A WITCH' written out and framed and hung on my wall. Would you thank Hermes from me for the reminder? :)

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  4. I need to get 'JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO STOP BEING A WITCH' written out and framed and hung on my wall. Would you thank Hermes from me for the reminder? :)

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  5. "MY CHAIR NOW" amen to THAT XD Stitches my cat, would cry and cry and cry until I get up and then she would jump on the chair and clean her paws. those manipulative cats

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  6. Hermes is an entire mood. Loved the candid interview!

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