Tuesday, July 10, 2018

July Personal Update: Piano, Vow Renewal, Circle.

Where do I begin?  It's been a strange month.  You know it has when I have very few pictures to add to a personal update.  I just didn't take many this round.  Going through some major changes - ones I didn't anticipate going through this year - will do that.  That being said, I think it's for the better all the way around.

First, I wanted to show off this incredible sign I had made at our local Signarama for my job.  The time and agency are interchangeable and the card holder pops off for safety.  They cut a handle into it so I could carry it easily alongside my board - their suggestion.  I hadn't even thought of that.  They went above and beyond in creating this sign.  I've been using it at events the past few weeks since I got it and it's been amazing!

I had someone come out to look at my piano and it's surprisingly in good shape - just heavily out of tune.  We got it just short of tuned up - stretching the strings so they don't break - and will finish that in December.  He's coming back out sometime this week to replace missing ivories and a broken foot pedal.  While I wanted to restore it, he heavily suggested to "love it as it is, warts and all."  Fair.  One less thing to worry about financially anyway!  Because...

Aaron and I are renewing our vows next year!  We've talked for years about doing it but, financially, it just never really worked out for us.  In April, we did some calculating and figured out that we could easily swing it in 2019 - which is perfect because we'll have been married for 10 years in September and together for 15 by the date we chose.  We've already secured the venue, photographer, DJ, two tarot readers, a caricature artist and a bakery for our cake.  Artie will of course be a part of the festivities and I'm having a custom suit and tie harness made for him in the color palette we've chosen.  I'm super excited!  The only thing I have left to book sooner rather than later is catering.  I've been holding off because we've managed to stay local and LGBTQ/pagan friendly thus far but, for what we're wanting catering-wise on the date we're wanting it, I may have to go with somewhere like Hy-Vee.  Most smaller places require a $2k minimum order on Saturdays and, for a 3 hour brunch with 50 people, I can't justify it.  If any of my KC readers know of a good eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and fruit caterer in the KC area that is local and can do it for around $10 a head, let me know!  Otherwise, I'm going to have to go with Hy-Vee.  I mean, it's not the worst place to go with by any means, but I wanted to keep the trend of supporting small businesses located in KC.

I started seeing a therapist about a month ago and it's been a significant relief.  If you can afford it, I strongly suggest it.  Having an impartial third party weigh in on life is incredibly helpful.  Working through some childhood trauma and tackling the beast that is the OCD/depression one-two sucker punch will hopefully round out the stability I've been needing.  Turns out, I'm pretty stable and logical, and managing my life well.  I just need some additional coping mechanisms.  I figured if I constantly press circle members to seek therapy when they need to, I can't be a hypocrite and not do it myself.  Speaking of which...

I wanted to thank everyone who sent me messages and left comments of concern regarding my resignation from Circle of Fountains.  As many of you suspected, the circumstances are of course more complicated than they appear.  That being said, my previous statement of leaving because my path is going in a new direction wasn't a lie.  I've been focusing increasingly on spirit work and shadow work over the past few years and have felt like I couldn't fully explore that practice while giving the majority of my attention to the circle.  I wasn't necessarily wrong in that either.  Since resigning, I have finished two books I had shelved for months, created my altar to D which had been on my list for over a year and totally renovated my ritual room (pictures coming soon).

Unfortunately, my resignation was spurred due to certain events.  As a coven, and particularly as the Coordinator/HPS, communication is key.  I was intentionally kept in the dark from drama occurring within the circle.  Over the course of a week, the circle's ability to communicate had been severed completely.  I attempted to bring up the issue in question with circle members both individually and as a group to no avail.  I could see a division being created.  Once members are required to pick sides, covens are broken.  To remove the inability to communicate along with the division created, I resigned.

Sunday, members came by to pick up circle-related items.  I understand that they're restructuring the circle and potentially renaming it, though that's simply concepts that I picked up - nothing that I was directly told.  I'm being kept out of the loop entirely and it feels like I'm being erased, which is difficult given that this was my personal project for four years.  But I did resign of my own volition.  I suppose it's only fair.

Sometimes, when you truly love someone (or, in this case, a whole group of people), you have to let it go for their sake.

This is not to say that Circle of Fountains - or whatever it might be named after this - isn't a positive environment.  In fact, it may be even more so in my absence.  What I hope is that I have removed the blockage in communication, that there will be no division created, and that they restructure the circle into something they truly want.  I have intentionally put distance between myself and the Primary members - and will maintain that distance - to ensure the stability of the coven.

It breaks my heart.  It's terribly isolating.  But it is what it is.  I have made it through this before and I will make it through this again.  Besides, I can now focus entirely on my own personal Craft rather than ensuring the evolution of others'.  That's freeing.  I need that.

In terms of starting a new coven, I doubt I see myself doing so any time soon.  I've become increasingly exhausted with putting my heart and soul into something only to become severed from it in the long run.  I'm still quite excited about working on my own and developing my own practice as a nontheistic spirit worker verging on trad craft witch.  And I hope you'll all be just as excited to join me on this journey.

I think that about sums up everything!  I hope everyone is well.  Have a fantastic day!


  1. Have you thought of doing some type of releasing ritual to help the healing and to move on? I am assuming they will do the same since you left their Coven.

    1. Hi Alice! I'm in the process of doing just that. Part of renovating my ritual room was to remove the energy, to release and let go. The last time I completely redid this room was when I left the coven before this. It's almost becoming tradition for me, sadly.

  2. I’m looking forward to hearing about your new ventures! Very sorry to hear about the coven, but it does seem like you’re holding up well. It can be difficult to keep a small, close group running smoothly, and I think tensions are bound to flare up here and there. I wish the best for you and the coven. And congrats on the vow renewal and the upcoming anniversary!

    1. Thank you so much, Liz! I can agree about the tensions. We've had our share of squabbles but I've usually been in the loop enough to plan out intervention or team building exercises that usually squashes any drama before it begins. This time was different. Can't do anything if I don't know what's going on! That being said, I also wish them the best. In the meantime, I have plenty of work on my own to do. :)

  3. I am sorry to hear about the coven, I had been through the process (of course in different circumstances) myself. It is sometimes necessary but always heart-breaking, once you are standing in a circle with someone you are connected on a deeper level. ~ Ludna

    1. Absolutely, Ludna. It has been a surreal experience but I think it's one I needed to have in order to grow on my path. No regrets here - just a lot of moving forward. Thank you!